Sensation
by Lio
Summary: Amazing what you think about, when you're lying on the floor with massive hemoraging...


Quite an odd little ficlette this is. 

I kept telling myself I'd to some writing during my normal 1 hour bus transfer, and this fic finally popped into my head. Not quite sure where it came from, and not exactly sure what it is. But I like the end result. And there are far too few Cavernous Headwound stories in this world as there is. /-g-/

Enjoy! (And please excuse the spelling, my spell check seems to be broken…)

-- Lio, co-writer for Dementia Inc

Summery: Nny does some rather lucid thinking as he lies on the floor with a freshly opened headwound after Devi has kicked his ass.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah… I live with my parents. I fully understand, on many levels, that I own nothing.

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Damn, it hurts.

Not just my skull, which is throbbing so hard I can feel it in my toes, but everything.

Everything.

Well that wasn't a good idea…

She's gone now, I heard the door smack open and settle closed. That's good, isn't it? I can still hear? Light brain damage then… heh… more damage really.

There's a lot of blood. It's starting to get in my nose and mouth. Getting hard to breathe. Should roll over. But there's glass everywhere. Impaling myself would make it a perfect night. But it's just more pain. Not that I don't deserve it.

Fuck.

We should have never left the hill. I should have taken her home early. We should have gone someplace more public after the movie. Still, Public life isn't all that appealing. Assholes. And the need to create cavernous headwounds. Fuck. It would have happened anyway, wouldn't it?

God DAMN, my head hurts.

I can't breathe at all, now. Must shift. At least get on my side. 

Uugh…

Everything's… twinging. Most unpleasent. The glass embedded in me head shifted with the rest of me. It moves inside, in places it shouldn't.

It feels like a swarm of bees are attacking the inside of my skull.

… or… a million kisses.

Dammit. That's from something. I've heard it before. What's that from?

Movie. Horrible, tricked into going to see it, and forced to stay and… it gets blurry after that.

A million kisses on your skin.

I can't remember a kiss. I'm sure I've had one, they sound like a good idea. Strange. Why did I freak out when she tried to kiss me, then?

Devi.

When DEVI tried to kiss me.

God, it feels odd thinking that, even thinking it again. She's my friend. My only friend, a regular, pleasent reason to get out of the house. It was strange enough when she asked me out. She asked me out, and I pretended it was nothing special, but then I went home and was worried about what I would wear… stranger still.

And when I picked her up, and all I could think of when I saw her is DAMN she suddenly looks good. And I thought I should open a door or something for her, and I was worried that I might have missed the cue. But when we talk on the way to the theater, she doesn't call me a jerk, so I hope it's OK.

And then, when we got to the movie no one talked during the movie, yelled at the screen or made insulting jokes. So rare these days.

And then we went to the hilltop, with lights all around us, above in the sky, and bellow in the city. No lousy bastards coming up to us, on her break, asking if this came in paperback. So pleasant. We just talked and talked and talked and somehow she made me feel good for once. Not worried, or empty or lost… almost happy. But in the back of my mind I wondered if she would still be this nice if she knew what I do in my house.. in the basement…

And then she just ASKED to go back there. As if she somehow knew and was allright with it! Impossible that she really could, but after the rest of the night, I hoped so. Being an idiot, I hoped.

And then we were suddenly on my couch, as if we were just drawn there, and she wanted me to come over and sit by her. So nervious, so I stay back, stay back. I know something permanent is about to happen. I'm not sure if I want it yet. To feel. I can't, I don't want to … it'll only go away… but… She's not afraid of me. She's not like the others. She's not screaming or crying. She makes me happy… so very rare… she's leaning in…

… oh Fuck.

FUCK.

Finally the memory stops playing through my brain after 3 or 4 times.

Fuck.

Fuck me.

No… fuck the doughboys.

Misleading chunks of enviromentally unfriendly fucks. They made me do it! I can think for myself! I'm not so far gone that I need someone to diaper and change my brain, am I?!

Fuck her.

That's right! Fuck her! She didn't have to fight back!!! She didn't think I would have made it quick? Painless?! One sharp stab, and it would have been over! Didn't she trust me?! FUCK her!

I can feel saltwater cutting up the dried blood along my cheeks.

Fuck…

I only wanted to make sure she didn't leave. Everyone leaves. Me. Everyone. It could have never gone back to the way it had been, us talking in her bookstore, us being good friends. This way I could have seen her every day. If I had avoided the front of her face, and got the embalming chemicals right, I wouldn't even have had to bury her. Even if I missed when she was fighting back, I could have sewn it up. I would have visited her everyday, and we could have still had lunch together, still talk like good friends. She might not have been as talkitive as before, but she would have understood what I was saying. Somehow, she always does.

Still.. there would have been only so many years I could keep her like that. When they're alive they last so much longer. I could have just severed her vocal chords or blinded her or something.Then, I could have dragged her down to one of the rooms, and kept her there, with the others. Yes.. I could have made up a room just for her, gotten most of her stuff, and kept her downstairs. She would be happy if she could still paint, and as long as I didn't take off the cuffs she'd never leave me. Never. And she'd trust me again, once she realized she needed me to feed her. After a while, we'd all be happy.

Happiness.

So fragile. So easily frightened.

"No love, no stars… no moon! Nothing for you!" F-boy had said.

Nothing. I hate nothingness. It's getting too damn familiar to me.

I sigh and shift again.

The PAIN.

…A million kisses on your skin…

Dammit. I should have kissed her. Just once. Just to make sure.

It wouldn't have stopped it from ending.And now I won't even know what it would be like to kiss her. Hold her. L-… Lo-…

Love.

Love her.

Sensation is blooming in the frightening nothingness now. I need the change, and yet I just want it to stop. To go away. I'm fighting against the pain…

I love her.

I'm crying like a little child…


End file.
